THE KNOWING CLUB
It’s talked about more openly now, so I think it’s becoming more common to have multiple people in a team who are going through those kinds of battles. It also really bonds people to have that empathy, that greater understanding of what it’s actually like.
The psychologist I’m seeing at the moment calls it ‘The Knowing Club’. It’s all well and good to try and describe depression to somebody, but unless you’ve actually been through it yourself you don’t really know how it feels. Not that it’s a club we want to be joining or having other people join, though!
I have reached out to the other players in the Diamonds who have spoken about their own struggles, to let them know they have support, and I’m there to just listen, or to share some ways I have learned to deal with things myself. I find that showing your own sense of vulnerability makes it easier for others to let their walls down, too. And there’s comfort in knowing they are not alone in that environment dealing with mental health.
When you are away on tour, it can be a pressure-cooker environment, but we have great support networks around us, too.
Being an elite athlete is a unique job. You do focus on the negative a lot because you always want to get better, and the fact you can be so hard on yourself over the one thing you might have done wrong is part of what drives you to keep improving.
That want to be perfect is probably part of why I’ve got to where I have in my career; there’s a bit of, ‘If I wasn’t so hard on myself, I may not have got to the level I have, or have stuck around for as long, either’.
NOT BLACK AND WHITE
You always look back at the really hard decisions or crossroads that you have in your life, and the funny thing is that I keep reaching these same crossroads! And although there’s usually a silver lining, you can’t always see it at the time.
Having had my opportunities run out at the Vixens was why I found myself over here in Wellington at the Pulse, and a similar thing has just happened again at Collingwood.
When a team decides to go in a different direction, you have to figure out a new path, and if you do want to keep going you find a way to make it happen. Down the track you can look back and say, ‘That was a really great thing that had to happen and that steered me in a different direction, and I couldn’t see it at the time but it’s worked out for the best’.
Initially it was hugely exciting to come home from the Swifts to Victoria for the inaugural Super Netball season in 2017, and to be a foundation Magpie. I’d been away from my family for six years and not actually lived in the same state as my brother for half of my life, so family was a huge drawcard for me to move back.
But the biggest thing was the opportunity of being part of something new and contributing to the legacy being left for the next group. You were the start of it, and you got to really drive what the group and the club were about, and the fact that we assembled such a star-studded line-up was really great.
What we didn’t foresee was how high the expectations would be going into that environment, and what would come along with being a part of such a big club. A lot of it was not living up to the expectations that we had of ourselves, too, although there were a lot of different factors that made it tricky. Then there was the whole if-they-don’t-love-you-they-hate-you thing with Collingwood.
It was great to be able to make the finals, and we only lost the first semi by one goal, but the media painted that first season as a huge disaster. It was a very big lesson for me in trying to shut out the external noise and live in our own little bubble.
The back-end of this season was quite a stressful time, too. We were dealing with poor performances, a change of coach, and then we had three of our girls, my friends, announce that they were going to retire at the end of the year, so there was a lot going on, and there’d been a lot building up.
When there’s a new coach appointed you don’t necessarily know where you stand, and that was definitely the feeling for me. There were meetings organised once we got back from our last game and I showed up to mine with a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach, because I’d not had a definitive answer about where I stood.
I met with Rob Wright and Nick Maxwell and was told, ‘We’re looking at going in a different direction and at the moment you’re not a part of that plan’. It was a pretty big shock. I felt like I’d given my absolute all to the team, on-court performance as well as off-court performance, so it was really hard to take.
You want to stand up for yourself a bit and get some answers, so I asked things like, ‘Well, what’s your reasoning?’ And, ‘Have I not been good in terms of performances?’. The response to that was, ‘You’ve been amazing for us on-court and off-court, we think that you’ve been really great, actually’.
They just didn’t have any answers for me, and so that’s what I guess makes it really baffling. ‘Just wanting to move in a different direction,’ was all that was offered up as any kind of answer.
I’d desperately tried to remain so professional and composed in that moment and, as soon as I walked out of that room, I literally ran about a block and just burst out crying. It’s still hard to really understand it, but sometimes sport is brutal like that.
It was a pretty big shock. I felt like I’d given my absolute all to the team, on-court performance as well as off-court performance, so it was really hard to take.
I needed to start looking at what the options were going to be. Multiple times I have literally thrown down everything and said, ‘This is what I want and I’m willing to do absolutely everything and move across the country, across the Tasman, uproot my life to do that’. My partner has also sacrificed a lot to make sure we can be together.
So, at 31, I felt I was at a point in my career where I wanted to have more control over my circumstances. And then to be thrown into the whirlwind of not knowing if I would have any offers and trying to get my head around if I would have to uproot our lives and ship across to the other side of the country again? That world of the unknown is such a hard place to be.
It was a very stressful few weeks wondering what would happen, because all kinds of scenarios run through your head. Can I move away from my family again? Or what if this is the end for me? What if I have played my last game?
I still see myself playing for another few years, that’s what I’ve planned, and I’m incredibly grateful to the clubs that did show interest. I ended up speaking with Simone McKinnis once the recruiting window opened up – I know how well-respected Simone is in the netball world and I’ve admired what the Vixens have built in recent years. I guess I pitched to her a little bit of, ‘Well, this is what I feel like I can add to the team’.
Slotting into a new team under a new coach and being in a new environment is always a huge challenge, and one that I’m looking forward to, but the romance of going back to where it all started for me in the Commonwealth Bank Trophy, in 2008, was the icing-on-the-cake bit.
When I was back at my parents’ place in Bendigo a few weeks ago I came across a few old bits of Vixens memorabilia in the shed. I found some photos and awards and things from those three years. When I was asked whether I’ve still got any of the old dresses, I was like, ‘Oh God, I don’t know whether I’ll fit into them, but I’ll have a look!’.
I think the Vixens have created a great group and a good culture, they play for each other, and I’m really excited to be a part of it and hopefully be able to contribute and slot nicely into the team without changing things too much.
The biggest lesson that has come out of the last little while is that I’d thought I’d had a certain amount of control over things, so to be slapped in the face again was like, ‘No, don’t forget that you do not have any control. Don’t kid yourself!’.
What I’ve learnt is just to make the best of your circumstances, whatever situation you find yourself in, because there’s always the chance you’ll be put through some hoops or thrown some curve balls. The character-building bit is how you navigate your way through that.
For me, I’m really excited that next year is going to be my 17th season of playing in the national netball league, and you don’t do that without overcoming a few hurdles and speed bumps.
I’ve been able to find a way to reinvent myself and keep going and I’m so proud of that.
More about: Collingwood Magpies Netball | Diamonds | Gold Coast 2018 | Lisa Alexander | Melbourne Vixens | Mental health | NSW Swifts | Renae Ingles | Resilience | Sponsored | Super Netball
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